Sep 02, 2012 20:05 hours
LOVE
How is it possible that this most
beautiful and undying truth can be so fascinating, and yet just as devastating
at the same time? As I continue to
ponder life without you, my best friend, the love of my life, and my
out-and-out soul mate, I cannot seem to wrap my head around solitarily facing
this ever changing world, which to me has once again become the great “unknown.” In my heart of hearts, I am alone in the
fact that I faced the unexpected death of my wonderful husband, and I presume
that our love was and is greater, stronger, more amazing, and inconceivably
incomparable to anyone else’s in this world.
And yet I know this lopsided thought
process to be folly, because I am not the author of love, nor the giver and
taker of life. It comes down to this one
fact, and I am becoming more and more convinced of it each day. My humanity cannot conceive life, love, and
death, because it is not the creator of them.
In this temporal body, I may only experience these “I AM” concepts and
delight in them or despise them, as I so choose, and the rest of the world is
in the same boat as I.
Bret Wayne Trone, your love made me
soar, and although I know you still love me, now more than ever, in fact,
because you finally know what perfect love is, the loss of it here on earth has
plunged me into the very abyss. In this
regard, our love is truly a two-edged sword, pole opposites, if the truth be
told. And yet, in retrospect, I wouldn’t
have it any other way. Rightly so, if I
had ever discerned the outcome of our thirty-year relationship, I would still
have chosen you, hands down, no holds barred, til’ death do us part. Every second with you was worth it all.
To prove the point from my opening
paragraph, I will close with a story about the picture above. I baked Bret a birthday cake today, for his
52nd birthday, the same one I made each year, a German Chocolate
cake, his all-time favorite. I also had
a beloved picture of us blown up and framed for a keepsake. With these two items in tow, I headed to one
of our favorite places to eat in Tehachapi—La Bella Amore Italian Bistro on
Green Street. We often went there when
we wanted an intimate, quiet dinner, especially if we were going to a movie
afterwards. Because of the specialness
of this place, I had a memorial plaque placed on the bench outside this
restaurant a while back. This is where I
planned to place my sacred items and take my pictures. Now, to revisit my topic
sentence and tie this all up into a nice, neat bow!
LOVE = DEVASTATION—As I pulled up,
there were a couple of people outside the restaurant; thus, I waited patiently
for them to move out of sight, so I could sneak up to the bench incognito,
place the cake and the frame strategically, and quickly take my pictures
without being noticed. This became a
near excruciating task, as firstly, I couldn’t get the placement right because
of the lighting, and then I started to have trouble breathing and could not see
anything through my tears. I wasn’t even
sure if I had gotten a decent shot, when I spotted a chubby hand pushing on the
exit door, followed by a little blonde head.
As I hurried to snatch up my things and tried to juggle them to the car,
five more people filed out of the restaurant right behind the little boy I was
trying to escape.
LOVE = FASCINATION—With tears
pouring from my eyes, I came face to face with my teacher friend and her
wonderful family. Her two older
daughters had been students of mine in prior years. As I awkwardly said, “You caught me,” she
enveloped me in a warm hug. Then, giving
her daughters both a hug, I stared to babble and tried to explain what I had
been doing. She told me she already knew
it was Bret’s birthday, and that they had been thinking of me and talking about
me today.
Call it what you will, fate--karma, qi, the force--I don’t care. But, I know that I know that I know that I know that I know that I know that I know that my plan being foiled by a good friend, her family, and her daughters who love me, and whom I love dearly, is alone, the design of God Himself, the Author and Creator of love. Trust me, I cannot understand it, I dare not try to explain it, and there are times I don’t even recognize it, until many minutes or hours or days or even months, sometimes years later. But I can believe it, because there is nothing greater or sweeter or truer than the love of my Creator God and Savior, and when I miss Bret so much that I think I can no longer go on, His love is there, and I know that it will always, always, always, always, always, always, always be enough!
